In Regards to Church and Not Church

Well, we've been home the past few days, I'll try and catch all the readers up. But first, I wanted to thank everyone who posted a comment on my last post.

We finished our last trip off outta the Big City and headed home to be with family and friends. Both my sisters made it home and our apartment lost some square footage due to all the laundry, luggage, sleeping bags and pillows. It was great, I was excited to have all five of us in the same place talking and laughing like we always do when we get everyone together. We had over some stray guests to Thanksgiving but they fit in quickly enough.

They were treated like another member of the family, even as far as being submersed into "Broom over who?", "Psychiatrist" and the 9 magazine game. Fun camping games that have grown to tradition in our family. We ate large helpings of turkey, stuffing, green beans, mashed potatoes and pie that would have made the ungrateful lady from the truck stop buffet envious. Once dad and mom took to bed, us 'kids' were up way to late playing video games. It was uneventful, but pleasant to have everyone home and together.

And now, In Regards to Church.
Growing up, church was not a weekly event that was dreaded for us kids. We enjoyed the opportunity to be in an atmosphere more suited to our auras. I never really felt like I fit in around others in high school. My friend group was fairly uneventful and for the most part was prided in our inability to go out and drink and get into trouble and it was nice not having to fight that temptation alone in high school.

At church we would see friends from other towns and adults that we all had a good rapport with. It was not drawling like some places I've been. But always a high energy environment as far as we knew. I'm sure there was the ever present mindless gossip that the ladies around the coffee table thrived on, but I never had much to worry about. I knew that I had a good name built up for myself in the community's, never in trouble and only had one speeding ticket under my belt. Ironically enough, I was on my way to pick up mom and sis from a Bible Camp. (I tried the excuse with the officer, thinking maybe God would count it as spreading the Word and get me off the hook. I still got the ticket.) Other than the ticket, we had been blessed with supporters for Missions Trips and funds for whatever school activity required selling wreaths or candy for that term and I had fallen into a great job with a photography studio and things were looking pretty good for me.

NOW, I secretly fear talking with people from my former church now. Knowing how fast the ladies at the coffee table will spread my personal C.O.P.S. episode. I don't fear any judgments or scolding, just feel ashamed thinking back to the words I'd said over and over again to myself before college, "I've earned too good of a name for myself to risk it on this." And wonder why those words failed me so many times after High School. I suppose words don't make decisions and can't blame my former motto for my mistakes.

After High School I was doing great. I got moved in and stuck to my beliefs. I even had my roommate remove beer from our room once for fear of disobeying hall rules. The church I attended that year was fun, full of energy and reminded me a lot of home. The weekly youth service provided me a chance to try and inform new high school seniors of the dangers of college and how important sticking to what you believe is. I apparently didn't feel it was necessary to heed my own advice.

At age 21 my family spent the day with me, barbecuing and giving the final alcohol lecture before I was released into the scene by the government. Church seemed to fade out and I didn't look back. I had reached my spiritual college peek, luckily I had accomplished a few things before that day while still in my prime. I had become an RA for the college which took care of my living and food expenses for the next year and I had secured a job at the local newspaper to fulfill my internship requirement. Unfortunately also provided plenty of funds to support my now growing habits.

Church vanished from my life, but many of the foundations it had instilled didn't. I suppose I had that going for me. Everyone now knew me as the Christian who could bend the rules instead of using them for a slap on the head. I suppose my rule stick was made of soft pliable rubber but never let anyone tell me differently on what I believed.

I have asked people many times what heaven will be like and always had a picture in my head of Isaiah 51:3. I'll let you look it up for the literal Word, but in my head, I picture a crowd of thousands of people so overwhelmed with happiness that it made the area around each of them seem brighter. I'd seen it a few times with people in church or on a mission but I had lost the image and replaced them with faces of friends and bottles of various colors and contents; liquid or otherwise. I didn't know exactly what it looked like anymore and my life was turning quickly into a cloud of smoke, anger, disappointment, paranoia and yet.... contentment was always next to my, lying more to me every day. I wanted to share that part of the story with everyone so you understand how emotional this next part is. I saw a glimpse of heaven again and it came from a little girl.

We were in church, middle section of a triptic pew arrangement and forward a few rows and to my right, was this little girl. Normally loud, seemingly unaware that more important things than what she had to say were going on around her, had fallen silent. She was now swaying back and forth to the song being sung by the praise group. She continued to sway, then suddenly threw up her hands and spun in a quick circle. Her arms reminded me of somthing she may do while running towards a long lost relative or friend. Then again, spun around, he hair raised parrellel to the floor she had spun so fast, but managed to catch my eye, mid spin, arms still up expenting someone to run into them.

That's when I saw it. She was singing the words to the song with a huge, dimpled smile on her face and it seemed like the area around her lit up and I imagined her with wings and a halo surounded by thousands of other. Heaven. It was brief and followed quickly by a stern scolding from a mother in the pew behind her to sit down and stop spinning. But I had seen it and it reminded me of the other times I'd seen heaven though the eyes of other. I choked back, my neck tightened and the note I was singing squirelled up into a crack.

It was one of the best times things I'd seen in church in a long time.